Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
