I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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