I just pynch a tree in the face
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
