I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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