the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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