I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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