God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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