there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
