come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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