the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
