Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
