i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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