If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
