Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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