Umm I'm too high to move.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
