i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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