I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
