I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
