Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
