I only kidnapped one of them. chill
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
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