I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
