He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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