You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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