U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
