I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
