i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
