just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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