So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Randomize
