I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
