Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
