Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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