Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
