I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
