didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
