My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
