He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
