Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
