He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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