I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
