I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
