You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
