I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
