are you so shy because you have an std?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
