on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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