Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
