Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
