so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
