You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
