The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
