My hand turned me down
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
